first things first

I've told a few people at this point that this blog exists. Not specifically where, but just that I do in fact have a "blog." I guess I did it specifically as motivation for me to write in it since I've been so bad about it, so we'll see if it works.

A lot of things I think to write down, but then I realize they would be better suited for a true "personal diary" rather than this public internet thing. Then again, though, I'd never keep a personal diary or something like that. Even when I was a kid and had one, it really was just kept in hopes that someone (if just my mother) would read it.

This is without a doubt the most alone I've been in certainly the past 5 years, probably significantly more than that. I'd say at least 7 or 8. It's quite hard not really having anyone to talk to, and I feel like when I find someone new to tell things to, I notice myself harping on them or relying on them too much so I make myself back away completely. There doesn't ever seem to be any sort of in between, and I haven't met a new friend in what seems like ages.

I need to go out more.

I also need to get the heat turned on in my apartment. Last night I slept in two pairs of socks, pajama pants (I honestly never wear pajamas, just boxers and that's it), a shirt, and at one point a hoodie and a hat. My room is huge and I don't know what to do with all the space. Right now it's just wide open, and I'm sure that does nothing but contribute to the feeling of cold. Not to mention loneliness in some way.

A streetlight shines directly into my eyes when I go to sleep if I don't pull my blinds all the way, so that means every morning I wake to a very subdued and gray light peeking through the edges of my as-cheap-as-possible plastic-on-a-roll blinds. Every morning when I wake up I'm sure it must be raining outside, even when behind the blinds is full on sunlight.